A Pithy Observation

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Yes, He Was in Night at the Museum

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/19/a-holiday-message-from-ricky-gervais-why-im-an-atheist/?blog_id=120&post_id=56643


My sister sent me this link and although I still call myself an agnostic, so much of what Gervais states in this piece just makes sense. I'm just not willing to dive into either the belief camp or the non-belief camp.

What I do appreciate is what Gervais points out in the following section, because it should not matter what a person's religious beliefs are, being nice is what we should do whether there is a god or not. I have had friends tell me though, that they felt they would not make "good" choices if they did not have their religious beliefs. Really?

“Do unto others…” is a good rule of thumb. I live by that. Forgiveness is probably the greatest virtue there is. But that’s exactly what it is -­‐ a virtue. Not just a Christian virtue. No one owns being good. I’m good. I just don’t believe I’ll be rewarded for it in heaven. My reward is here and now. It’s knowing that I try to do the right thing. That I lived a good life. And that’s where spirituality really lost its way. When it became a stick to beat people with. “Do this or you’ll burn in hell.”

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.


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Monday, December 27, 2010

Nada

I have nothing - I need someone to write something about an experience they've had that might open up others' eyes - like the homeschooling piece. I don't care about the actual writing style, I just like to share stories that allow people to live vicariously through another and to ponder what that experience may have been like.

So, I don't care who you are, if you have something...anything...that is an experience you've gone through and you'd be willing to share it, please, please do!! (Yes, I am officially begging...)

Just email me: heather.albeescott@gmail.com


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Monday, December 20, 2010

Regrets?

This was the quote on my friend's Facebook page this morning:

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, "It might have been." ---John Greenleaf Whittier

I told Josh I would have to use them for a post, because I think every single person has a story of what might have been....

I'm going to beat a dead horse here and say once again that one reason we did make the move to Michigan even though we were so happy in Utah is because that once Steve was offered the position here, I knew if he turned it down he would always wonder what could have been and I didn't want to live with that. It's true that as soon as he found out about the position he could've said he wasn't interested and then we could've imagined that it wouldn't have worked out, and he was willing to do that, knowing he was happy in Utah, but I'm the one who told him to go for it.

Even while living in Utah there were moments when I wondered about what path our lives would've taken had Steve accepted an offer he had in Arizona, an offer he received the same time as the offer in Utah. I was happy in Utah, so I didn't dwell on it, but I did wonder.

We cannot take every single path laid out for us - we shouldn't...sometimes we need to stick to one path and experience that journey, but I think what directs us too often is fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of rocking the stability for which we've worked so hard to attain. I think when we make decisions out of fear, we later regret those decisions.

One thing that has been happening to many I know of is the exploration of what could've been with people from our past. With Facebook and email, it is very easy now to get back in touch with old boyfriends/girlfriends. I think some people are using this idea of what could've been to alter their lives and although it is tempting, it's wreaking a lot of havoc. I think those relationships we had in the past were meant to stay in the past....and if one has a spouse, children, a family then one needs to realize that choosing not to explore something that yes, may lead to some regret, is done out of love and responsibility. We all wonder about the one who got away or the one who we now find out also had feelings for us many years ago, but there will ALWAYS be temptations in that arena. What I have seen happen with those who've decided to pursue the paths of boyfriends/girlfriends past is that they end up at the same starting point from which they were running - regret, only now it is a regret for what they have done to a person who was in their lives, daily and with a shared past.

So some things we are not meant to find out what could have been, we need to focus on what is...but sometimes we need to step outside of fear and find out what could be when the zone of comfort is left behind.
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Friday, December 17, 2010

Guest Writer on Homeschooling

I asked a dear friend of mine to write this, because I often wonder how she does it - homeschooling. It is something I have thought of taking on, but worry I would fail miserably. I love reading of others' experiences that differ so greatly from mine - thank you to Jessica for writing this and opening my eyes to something of which she has great passion!


Hello! My friend Heather asked me to write something about homeschooling for her blog. Here it goes.

I’ve been homeschooling for almost four years now. If you had asked me exactly four years ago today what I thought about homeschoolers, I’d tell you they were crazy religious nut jobs and control freaks over their kids. I would tell you homeschoolers were weird and with an authority I simply did not have, I would tell you their kids were social rejects. You see exactly four years ago today, I was happy and content with my children’s education. I was a teacher at a wonderful little Catholic school in a small city in the mid-west. This Catholic school was wonderful! It was small-everyone knew everyone else. There was a great deal of love expressed between the kids and faculty and the parents and the faculty. Our school had fabulous support from our parents and grandparents! And year after year, our test scores proved we were a terrific school and that our children were getting the best education in the city! Having all that, I questioned why anyone in the city would homeschool his or her children.

Then one day my hubby came home from work and announced that he had a job offer in Oklahoma City with a Fortune 100 company. It was the exact type of job he wanted and it was too good to turn down. Fine, I thought, we’ll move in May when the school year is over. No. The company wanted us there in two weeks.

My world was turned upside down.

There were three options: hubby could move to OKC and we could stay until the school year was done, hubby could get an apartment in OKC and visit us on weekends, or we all move to OKC. I did not want to be away from my husband, so option “we all move” was the one we chose.

We moved on Valentine’s Day. We moved into an amazing apartment in the center of OKC, began to enjoy city life and started homeschooling, sort of. I was going to homeschool until May, finish up 180 days of schooling as the law requires. Then I was going to get a job at the local Catholic school and the girls would attend that same school. Homeschooling was just going to be a temporary thing.

My wonderful Catholic school let me take all my children’s schoolbooks and their teachers e-mailed me their lesson plans. The Monday following our move, we started homeschooling.

The entire day, two kids, two different grades, took from 8:15am until just before 11 am. On that first day, I sat down with a schedule: prayer and pledge 8:15-8:25, Math 8:30-9:30, Science 9:30-10:00, Language 10:00-10:30, etc. I was shocked at all we could complete in about three hours. I thought it was maybe an “easy” day.

Tuesday, same thing. Yep, done an hour before lunch (scheduled at 11:45 and noon respectively).

Wednesday, yep. You understand.

I began to do something I hadn’t done before as a teacher. I began to look for more things to teach my children. Things to supplement what I was teaching. I began to look for field trip locations, movies, and programs on TV that would help support what I was teaching from their textbooks. Experiments that I’ve always wanted to do came to my mind. To say I haven’t done it before probably makes me look like a bad schoolteacher. But to tell you the truth, there simply isn’t enough time to teach those extra things during the school year. That’s so sad for me to acknowledge now.

From February until May, we finished our Catholic school year. All 180 days. School never went beyond 11:30 am. We did field trips 2-3 times a week to add to our school year.

The girls loved it.

I loved it.

We moved out of the apartment and into a lovely home. We quickly learned our neighbor homeschooled. And the neighbor across the street. And another neighbor the next street over. I joined two on-line local homeschool support groups, both with over 2000 families. And I decided in August 2007, that I was a homeschooler. I wasn’t a religious freak. I wasn’t a control freak. My girls weren’t weird. My girls weren’t anti-social. We weren’t weirdoes.

Fast forward to November 2010. We have a classroom in the house (I turned our mother-in-law suite into a classroom after WAY too many of my hubby’s mooching friends camped out at our new house). It has a computer, lots of maps and posters plastered on the walls, a bookshelf full of a variety of books, a large table and three business chairs. We start school at 10am, which is usually about 15 minutes after my girls wake up. We have breakfast in the classroom, usually milk with fruit,cheese, and something crunchy like pretzels or pita chips or nuts. We work for 2-
2.5 hours straight, then break for lunch. Tuesday afternoon is for piano, Friday afternoon is from drama, and there is usually one afternoon during the week spent on a field trip with our local homeschool group or at a social gathering. The social gatherings range from paintball or laser quest to board game day to Wii challenges to just girls getting together at the park, mall or someone’s house. At night, the girls must spend at least half an hour reading. And by 4 pm on Friday, all the week’s work must be done or we’ll have Saturday school.

What do I teach? My curriculum varies each year. There are hundreds of public school and homeschool curriculum companies to choose from. And if I wanted to, I could literally get school in a box-order a box for seventh grade and a box for eighth grade that would include everything I need: lesson plans, worksheets, textbooks, tests and answer booklets. But I like to pick and choose my own curriculum. Sometimes I use Saxon Math (like many schools) or Sonlight History and Science (like many homeschoolers). I also like to pick my own curriculum from various companies because my girls’ abilities vary with each subject. Sophie, an “8th” grader, is doing high school Algebra II, tenth grade language and vocabulary, Japanese (I) and Spanish III on Rosetta and a wonderful history program. Since she completed her middle school history requirements I created a history course just for her-studying amazing women in history that aren’t in many textbooks. She’s studying Hatshepsut, Boudicca, Mary Magdalene, Hypatia, Empress Wu, Joan of Arc and Marie Currie just to name a few of the dozen she’ll study. My “7th” grader, Ashley, is doing high school Algebra I, ninth grade language and vocabulary, French
I, Spanish III, and a history program that bases much of history in story and a lot of art (her favorite). If you were to ask my youngest who is Napoleon III? She’d likely give you a blank stare (as I’m guessing many others would, too). But if I were to ask about art in Paris 1820-1880, she’d then remember “that guy” and what he did, along with numerous artists. By the end of this school year, Ashley will have completed her middle school requirements, too. As a reward, I will let her choose any time or people in history to study and I will create a history program for thatchoice. Instead of allowing this 8th grade year history choice, I could have pushed towards high school history programs, but I decided to do something special for them. It has been fun for Sophie and me this year and I look forward to my yearwith Ashley.

Both my girls receive health and science lessons largely via television programs. There, I wrote it. I use the TV to educate my girls. I use many of the amazing programs on the Science, History, National Geographic, and Travel channels for our health and science requirements THIS YEAR. We’ve done intro to Chemistry, Physics and Biology with the use of textbooks and home labs (per middle school requirements). The next step will be science with larger labs, which I will likely use a co-op for that. Back to my previous statement, the TV can be an incredibly valuable tool. In fact today, we watched a fascinating program on Mt. Vesuvius, which lead to a lengthy discussion about Pompeii, weather and earthquakes.

What’s a co-op? It’s a large group of homeschoolers that meet once or twice a week at a local facility (often a church) and the children attend classes taught by homeschool parents. It’s a great way for your kids to get together with other kids. It’s also a wonderful help to parents that might be weak in one subject matter and would prefer to have another parent teach their child. Co-ops are also beneficial forclasses that are best taught in larger groups like P.E., dance or a science with lab. I might even use a co-op next semester for math for my girls since it’s not a strong subject for me and I find them far outpacing my skills.

And the question running through everyone’s mind right now…do I test? Not really, nope. As far as typical testing goes, I only test in math. For our other subjects, to acknowledge their learning, I require small essays or oral examinations. Why do teachers test in schools? Because testing lets them know who is learning, how they are learning, and how she/he may teach the material in the future. Teachers have to test also because they simply don’t have the time to personally explore if every child is learning. The test explains that for her.

Will we homeschool through high school graduation? I don’t know. I question the girls twice a year if they want to continue with homeschooling. So far they still want to be homeschooled. Sophie thinks she wants to try out high school, but she’s not sure. Ashley loves doing school in her PJs and nothing is going to change that for her! I want to continue to homeschool through high school with a hope to have them in some college classes before graduation. My husband wants them to “experience” high school. Just for the record, hubby loved high school-he was
king of the hill. Me? Ugh! Those are four years I want to bury in the back of my memory. However, I will leave the choice in the hands of my girls.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed my book on homeschooling. In closing, I’d like to add that I’m not against public schools (or private). I think America is the best country in the world to be educated in, especially if you are born female. “So, why aren’t your kids in public school?” Because putting them into public school would just be like moving them again-making it another time during their childhood when they’d have to say good-bye to friends and make new friends. And it’s not necessary. We’re happy, it works, and it’s legal.

Thanks for reading.
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Monday, December 13, 2010

Thoughts on Marriage...

While Steve, Soph and I were living in Utah it dawned on me that we were living my dream. I felt like Steve's teaching at the high school was a service calling, I was involved with a few non-profits in the community and volunteering at Soph's school and Sophie had the experience of being a minority and learning what all of that entailed. I also remember realizing that it probably wasn't as fulfilling for Steve as it was for me.

Steve loved his job teaching in Utah, but I knew there was a part of him that wanted to be back in a college setting. I see how happy he is now and again, I think he was happy in Utah, but it's a different type of fulfillment for him here, another challenge.

What do you do when one spouse wants to be in one geographical location and one needs to be in another? I think both Steve and I will carry Utah in our hearts, but he has adapted to our lives in Michigan, because he has found fulfillment. I know I can too, but it makes me think of my friends who have dealt with this - choosing to live in one spouse's preferred town/state/country.

Marriage is a partnership that spans many years, which means it will inevitably bring changes to both people and sometimes those changes just don't match up. I can see how life would be simpler in many ways if I just sought my own fulfillment, lived where I wanted to live, did what I wanted to do, but life isn't about easy and marriage isn't either - it's about a commitment to something that is continually growing - just as one does in life.
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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankfully

Today I woke up with that familiar ache that has found a home in my heart recently. I miss Utah so much and find my mind wandering to that place that questions why we made this move - a dangerous, but familiar place. I am the queen of second-guessing and I can drag out the process for quite awhile. This move has brought such a variety of emotions and sometimes I feel like I just want my brain to stop, to stop pining away for what was and to stop worrying about what might be.

Since today is a day about being thankful I do realize how blessed I am. I have an amazing husband who would have stayed in Logan if I had asked him to, but who has so much to give and share and I am grateful that I get to be on this journey with him. I have a daughter who has taught me more about the important aspects in life than anyone or anything. Just yesterday I read a story she is working on and I was in complete awe of her abilities - my god, this child came from me?! This child did not want to leave Logan either and yet smiles about something each and every day!

I have a home which has heat, lights, and is surrounded by beauty outdoors. I am healthy and able to run, skip, throw a ball, wrap my arms around loved ones. I have a job that allows me to laugh with children, share their joy and share knowing smiles with the parents who love them, but might feel just a bit overwhelmed at times. I get to leave my job each day with my favorite 10-year old who peppers our drive home with her stories and I know the characters of whom she is speaking!

I have the ability to constantly learn and strive for improving my life and the lives of those around me. I can be kind, I can find something wonderful in every life I encounter and I can say I love you to people in my life who will say the same to me. I have so much and of those things I am sorely missing, I have wonderful memories that wrap around me like a blanket and in their making I have lost nothing. I am thankful for the awareness I have that life is constantly changing, and in those changes come moments that need to be savored.

One of my favorite pieces in literature, from Our Town by Thornton Wilder: But, just for a moment now we're all together. Mama, just for a moment we're happy. Let's really look at one another!...I can't. I can't go on.It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back -- up the hill -- to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners....Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?

Happy Thanksgiving. Life is good!
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thoughts From a Facebook Post

I made a comment on my Facebook page about Sarah Palin after watching her show on TLC:

I did it - I watched Sarah Palin's Alaska show and she seems like a nice person - I didn't find her annoying and I did envy her rock climbing ability - she is a strong person.

The comments I received afterward didn't shock me and knowing how much I like a good controversy, I know I did bring them on myself. What I gathered from the comments was that my poorly-formed opinion of Sarah Palin was due to the media ability to portray Palin in a light that is not accurate - that Sarah Palin is in fact evil. I felt for a moment that maybe I better jump back on the Sarah Palin-bashing wagon, for fear of seeming idiotic, but I just didn't think that anymore. I have said things about Sarah Palin before that resonated with the "Sarah Palin is evil" tone, but seeing her on tv, trying to be a good mom (which is so hard!) and climbing a mountain, well, I just saw her differently and wanted to express that.

The incident reminded me of my interactions with the Mormons in Utah. There were times when people would tell me: of course the Mormons are being nice, they just want to suck you in (I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was the gist). I was definitely skeptical of the niceness at first, but as time went by and my Mormon friends attended church services with me and engaged in very open and candid dialogues, I realized that I had to love these people for what I knew of them, which was a kindness that extended beyond religious differences.

Here's the thing, I think that before I really knew any Mormons I could say they were conniving, just being nice to bring people into their fold, not willing to attend any church service other than their own, but once I got to know, really know, some Mormons, I couldn't honestly say those things. That was my experience. I knew my Mormon friends as more than just Mormons, they were mothers, fathers, community members, students, teachers...people. I wanted them to see me as more than just being not Mormon and that meant I had to do the same. I wanted them to see me as a nice person and when I did the same, well, they were really nice!

I guess I'm wondering how much of how we view others is about those people versus ourselves. I am in no way saying that people who view another as evil are actually evil themselves, but that there is something which keeps us from getting to know the whole person. I am guilty of this every single day. I see someone and instantly stereotype them and then use that stereotype to justify not interacting with them. What a shame. I'm probably missing out on meaningful interactions with a lot of nice people.
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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Bits & Pieces

I really have nothing flowing from my brain that I can put into a coherent and flowing post, but there are things circling and burbling:

  • a conversation with my 90+-year old friend who talked of feeling isolated and the realization that many of us feel isolated, which goes along with...
  • a conversation with my neighbor from Kenya about how people are happier in Kenya than the U.S. because of a stronger sense of community
  • an observation that people with the liberal peace, love and happiness bumper stickers often seem the most aloof
  • a realization that I need to read more classics after seeing the BBC Greatest 100 Books of All Time list again
  • a hope Sophie likes her volunteer gig at the nature center and remembering my first volunteer stint and how I messed up a piano piece I played at a nursing home when I was 10, but was told it was quite beautiful and then realized that doing service is awesome, because it does not have to be perfect
  • a desire to see the movies 127 Hours and Harry Potter
  • an excitement over meeting someone today I've not met in person yet, but with whom I've befriended on Facebook
  • an acknowledgment of my method of procrastination through blogging, since I really should be running right now
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Friday, November 12, 2010

Work vs. Home

I was struck yesterday by a friend's comment that she didn't want to work during her daughter's teen years, because her mother did and it was hard on my friend. It led me to wonder why it was hard on my friend and how the choice to work or not work really affects our children.

I honestly believe that happy and fulfilled parents raise children who are more secure. People find fulfillment in different ways. I love working part-time and being home with Soph after school - I feel like I get the best of both worlds. I also see how quickly Sophie's time with us goes by - she is nearly 11 years old, just 7 more years until she is 18. There are times I would like to be working full-time to secure more income, but the truth is, I don't like working full-time and I didn't like it pre-Sophie.

Parents - what paths did you and your partner take and what benefits/downfalls do you see?
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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

He Said, She Didn't Say

In this post I will be making some sweeping generalizations, but they are based on my observations - which are not at all scientific.

Yesterday Steve and I both accompanied Soph to the dentist and while Soph was getting her teeth cleaned, I was telling the hygienist how we try to get the tartar off Soph's teeth, but it still built up despite our very concerned parental efforts. Steve jumped in with, "She's worried you'll think we're bad parents." I was about to snicker and deny that, when the hygienist very kindly said she didn't think we were bad parents. Wow - how easy was that? My fear laid right out there, by my hubby, and then vanquished!

This is not the first time I have been in awe of my husband's blatant honesty and the results it brings. While he was in graduate school he came home very late (common occurrence at that time) and told me of a falling out he had with his colleague/very good friend. I listened in shock as he relayed the language they used in communicating their frustrations and when he was done, I simply responded, "Wow, you guys have been so close. How sad." Without missing a beat, Steve said, "We'll be fine," and they were. They put it all on the table in very colorful language and then moved past it.

My observation is that women tend to lean away from the uncomfortable, even when it is obvious. The result from this seems to be unnecessary anguish and a whole lot of talking behind others' backs.

I've been watching reruns of Sex & The City lately and if you followed that show you may remember the episode in which Berger tells Miranda that a guy who did not call her the next day is just not that into her and how freeing she found his honesty. Her girlfriends were trying to comfort her by giving her a myriad of reasons for the guy's behavior - none being that he might not have liked her.
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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Planning versus Reality

I know it takes time to adjust to a move and I keep telling myself that in 3 years I'll feel like Jackson is home, or will at least feel familiar with it enough to not long for the familiarity of Logan. This line of thinking also made me realize that:

  • 6 months ago I never would've guessed I'd live in a subdivision
  • 1 year ago I did not imagine residing in Michigan again
  • 5 years ago I didn't think we'd actually live in Logan, UT again - and love it!
  • 6 years ago I did not know I would count Texas as a place I resided (what's up with these conservative states?!)
  • 10 years ago I thought by this point I would have another child
  • 15 years ago I didn't know that we would live in Ann Arbor and I would get to parent an amazing daughter
  • 20 years ago I was a senior in high school, determined to enter the Peace Corps and teach high school English with a passing thought to a possible marriage and family
So although I am trying to comfort myself with the idea that in 3 years I'll feel comfortable with our residence, I have to realize that I really have a limited idea of what is in store.
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Saturday, October 30, 2010

Pro-Awareness

The Pro-Life movement is alive and well in the town we now call home. There are signs for mass prayer events to end abortion and clinics to counsel women on making the "right" choice. I tend to roll my eyes when I see such things, but I realize this is a topic that involves a lot of emotion for many people. I do not expect to change anyone's well-established opinion in this area, but I'd like to tell why I believe in a person's right to choose.

Raising a child is hard! When I became a mother I realized how ill-prepared for the task I was and I was in a committed relationship, somewhat financially stable, employed, and I had access to top-notch health care. I remember looking at my daughter as a baby and the knowledge that this was a lifetime responsibility overwhelmed me. I could not resign from this position, I could not try it out and change my mind...I couldn't even leave this person for a quick trip to the coffee shop to refuel whenever I felt like it. Aspects of my life were the same and yet, this new presence seemed to change everything.

Fast forward 10 years and although I feel more comfortable in my role as a mom, it is still hard. Life's changes occur (moving, new jobs, new people in our lives) and every time I make a decision I have to think of how that decision affects another person. The realization that I am responsible for raising a human being is still so daunting. I am extremely thankful that other positive influences have been part of my daughter's life, because I am a flawed person and my hope is that my daughter will learn from a multitude of people and make good choices for her (my good choices are not always going to be her good choices).

If a person, for whatever reason, does not feel up to the task of this job, the job of being a parent, then I hope they can make a choice that is best for them before it is too late. Having an abortion or putting a child up for adoption is painful and yet, it allows a person to walk away from the daily responsibilities of being a parent. Having a child and keeping a child does not allow one to just walk away (I realize people do walk away from their children and I assume the pain the child feels is something I cannot even put into words and I do not think an adult who walks away from their child ever forgives themselves).

I do not know when a life begins. I do know miscarriages occur and they are horribly sad and many times they are not even known by a woman. I do not know what lies ahead for us after death, though I do not believe in punishment by a higher power for choosing not to bring a pregnancy to term. I do realize many people's opinions on this matter are formed by their spiritual and religious beliefs.

I hope that all people will practice sexual intimacy using protection when a pregnancy is not desired, but I realize that it is not realistic and I realize that some people do use protection and still become pregnant. I believe education is important and yet, as a parent, I realize that no amount of education prepares a person for becoming a parent and that most 16-year olds can barely look past the events of the weekend, much less fifteen years down the road when their baby is a teenager.

Many people will have children, thinking of how fun having a baby will be or because they feel pressured by society, their friends, their families. Those people may later regret their choice. A person who is uncertain of their abilities to become a parent (and I think every soon-to-be-parent falls into this category) may later be grateful they chose to become a parent, even when society, their friends, their family, said they shouldn't do it. What I want is for a person who is aware that becoming a parent is not right for them to be able to make a choice when a choice is still to be made.
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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Pet Peeve

Last night at an event I told someone of our moves and how we just arrived back in Michigan after living in Texas and Utah. Her response was, "Aren't you glad to be back in Michigan?" I shrugged and said it was ok. She commented on how she could not live in Texas and then I pointed out that Utah is beautiful and she agreed. Here's what gets me....I inquired of her places of residence and there was nothing outside of Michigan.

This bugs me, because if you haven't lived anywhere BUT Michigan, how can you be so certain it is that great? We use to get this in Texas, people saying how happy we must be to live there and my thought was, "Really? You think TEXAS is all that??"

You know why I probably liked Utah so much? People actually realized it was not the end-all be-all of the universe and when I said we lived in other places, people wanted to hear about those other places. I am sure living in one place one's whole life has some great aspects to it, but it does not give a person the authority to compare it to living in other places.
Posted by Unknown at 9:21 AM 4 comments:
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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Judge Not Lest....

Help me out here: do people really feel so confident with their choices in life that they can put others down and not worry that the same can be done of them?

I recently read a Facebook status that questioned a parent's supervision of their child. The comments following were so vicious, that although I didn't agree with the parent's choice as I read it to be, I found myself wanting to defend the parent. What really baffled me was that the people commenting didn't seem concerned that the tables could be turned - that someone could so harshly judge a situation they handled and with only partial information. Ok, now I'm judging those who made the comments.

I have definitely done my share of gossiping, putting others down and not gathering all the facts before making a judgment call. I realize this and I seriously want to improve in this area. I also really do acknowledge that people can see me do something and make a snap judgment, but if they were to talk with me and find out why I made the choice I did, they might make a different call.

Where does this need to judge others so harshly come from? Do these judgments we make keep us from trying to understand people? Does putting another person down make us feel better about the choices we're making?

*I am also working on not ending sentences with prepositions, as I've done above, but sometimes it just sounds better to end a sentence with a preposition.
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Sunday, October 10, 2010

Words from Wilde...Again

I've said it before, Oscar Wilde is my go-to guy for observations on life. Sadly, based on the quote by him copied below, I guess he and I never could have been friends. We couldn't have met up for coffee, strolled and discussed our philosophies on life, gone to the latest independent film. Much of what I've read about Wilde deals with his homosexuality and I wonder, doesn't our society allow for men and women to be friends if one, or both, is gay? Doesn't that make it ok? What if a woman is gay, can she then not be friends with other women? How do we feel when our partners have a friend that could be competition?

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

Posted by Unknown at 3:01 PM 1 comment:
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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Cue the Theme from Love Story

A friend posted this on his Facebook page and ahhh, it made me wonder and think: What is it about our first loves?

TEN years ago, my high school sweetheart and I liked to pretend we were disaffected expatriates living in some crumbly postwar foreign capital. In reality, we lived in an affluent New York City suburb.
Fortunately there was English class, where our teacher assigned “The Sun Also Rises,” Hemingway’s 1926 novel about American and British expats who booze their way through Parisian cafes and Spanish bullfights.

Devouring the book, we thought the protagonist, Jake Barnes, a twentysomething American reporter, and his hot-and-cold lover, Lady Brett Ashley, were pretty cool. They were always visiting interesting places and discussing the meaning of life, or lack thereof. And even though their lives were a little messy, they always spoke so insightfully!

Sure, we concluded, Barnes, Lady Brett and other Lost Generation all-stars had dependency, identity, and substance-abuse issues. But in other ways, they seemed like the sort of people we’d be happy to be like when we grew up. They were adults, but they were much cooler than most of the adults we knew.

The summer after my freshman year of college, my girlfriend and I traveled to France and Spain together, Hemingway style, picnicking on the Seine and sipping wine with Basques in San Sebastián. After the trip, we corresponded via telegram-style letters and e-mail messages that went something like this:

Dearest Jake: Can’t bear staying apart. Stop. Please visit after exams. Brett.

Brett Darling: Will come on Greyhound Saturday. Stop. Arriving 6:40 p.m. All my love. Jake.

I was pretty sure I would marry her, just not anytime soon. I also assumed — taking my cues from Hemingway, Maugham and Fitzgerald — that I had years of globetrotting to do before I’d consider settling down with anyone.

The next summer she and I worked in California. On weekends we’d cruise to the Henry Miller Library, an oceanside hangout named after the footloose novelist. It was fun to gaze at the Pacific and quote him to each other.

My own travels would begin to feel Milleresque: That fall I went to Buenos Aires; the following spring, I volunteered on a coffee farm in Mexico; that summer my girlfriend and I traveled to Montana, where I had landed a job baking pies at a roadside cafe.

Thinking of Hemingway’s Ketchum, Idaho, I had looked for a beautiful place where I could write and fish. The cafe owners said they also had work for my girlfriend — they needed line cooks.

In Montana, we were happy living under big skies, among friendly strangers and away from the East Coast. But our cabin was cramped and mouse-infested, and my girlfriend — a vegetarian — quickly tired of grilling burgers.

We quit after six weeks and headed east in her car. The ride felt like a defeat. I broke off the relationship because I was restless. Stop.

More than a year passed before we met for pizza on a dreary November afternoon in Boston. I had come down for the weekend from Vermont, where I was starting to write for a newspaper, to attend a journalism conference.

She was thinking of applying to law school; I wanted to go abroad again. There was no spark between us, but I attributed that to bad timing, figuring we would eventually rekindle our romance in a different place and context. The fact that I didn’t know where or how seemed kind of exciting.

Three springs later, I quit my newspaper job and spent the summer wandering around China and Southeast Asia. I settled in Hanoi, Vietnam, partly because its sidewalk cafes, French-designed boulevards and bustling expat social scene reminded me of books I had read about postwar Europe.

I spent the fall and winter drinking coffee, writing travel stories, scratching away at a novel and dating women from other countries. Soon I would be learning the ropes at a European news agency, playing tennis with diplomats and feeling expatriated in a good, adventurous, Hemingway sort of way.

But I still thought fondly of my first love. From what she’d told me over the phone before I left the United States, I knew she had started law school. I resisted that plotline: I sensed that someday she would decide to come find me.

I hadn’t seen her in three years. Two months after my 26th birthday, I mailed her a letter: Living abroad was fun, I wrote, but I missed her, and I wanted to see her the next time I came home to visit.

She replied via e-mail that she couldn’t see me: she had a boyfriend, and she was happy.

Ouch. I hadn’t been pining for her per se, but I was upset that she didn’t seem to need to see me in the same way I felt I needed to see her. Also: what boyfriend? I had assumed that, like me, she had been drifting through lovers as one floats among so many ocean swells.

Then she e-mailed to say that she was in Washington, D.C. — Did I want to meet up?

I did. A few weeks later, I hoisted my backpack, hailed a motorbike taxi outside my apartment and began a five-week odyssey of work and travel that would take me from Hanoi to Moscow to Paris to Reykjavik to New York. Along the way I strolled the Luxembourg Gardens, ate crepes by the Seine, reported a story from Rouen, slept in departure lounges and on friends’ couches, rode Amtrak to Vermont, paddled a canoe across an Adirondack lake and caught a train back to the city, where in Chinatown I boarded a southbound bus.

The next day, a sweltering Wednesday, I finally arrived at my destination: the entrance of a Washington Metro station, where my high school sweetheart, in a black skirt and silver blouse, looked more beautiful than I remembered. We ducked into a Mexican restaurant and ordered beers to steady our trembling hands.

She said she had been dating the same guy for three years. I had met him once at a party but I wouldn’t remember. Anyway, now they were living together. She liked law school and had never felt so settled — in a good way.

“What about you?” she asked.

My throat crackled. I had been kidding myself assuming that I would marry this woman: We had each followed roads that the other had no interest in taking, and now she was in love with someone else.

Still: She was looking at me so prettily over the guacamole that I felt like whisking her away. Dearest Brett: Let’s start over together in Mexico City. Jake.

“Let’s have another drink,” I said.

We split the bill — it was almost half a month’s rent in Hanoi — and found a table at a high-ceilinged German brewpub on the next block. The lighting was dimmer there. Loosening up under the alcohol, I said the kind of playful, witty things I knew would make her smile.

Laughing, she said she wanted to hear more about my expat life. “A wire service in Southeast Asia?” I recall her saying. “I imagine you wearing one of those silly reporter hats with the wrap-around brim.”

We left the bar and walked toward the Metro. She pointed out that the station was closing in five minutes. She wasn’t inviting me to come home with her. She joked that she would be sure to send me one of those silly — —

When she noticed that I was crying, she hugged me as one holds a child who has scraped a knee. I held her hands and realized that the next time I saw her — if I ever were to see her again — she would probably be wearing a ring. She might even be a mother.

I dried my eyes on my T-shirt. A janitor was cleaning up. Otherwise we were alone. I scratched my sandals against the pavement. Perhaps I wanted to keep standing there because I had been traveling too much. Or maybe I sensed that I wouldn’t be back. Two or three minutes passed.

FOR the first half of my 20s, the Rest of My Life had appeared to wait patiently. And time, like a gift certificate, seemed like something I could hold on to and cash in later. But that night I felt as if the rest of my life was already upon me. Time was short, and I couldn’t think of anything to look forward to.

I grasped for something winning to say. Nothing came. I was drunk. She walked into the station and didn’t look back.

For a dizzy moment I considered chasing her down that escalator. Dearest Brett: Am lonely without you. Stop. Come to Hanoi. Mike.

The escalator stopped and the trains left. I walked on. I suppose I had my own connections to make.


Written by Mike Ives

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Saturday, October 2, 2010

See No Evil

Our daughter takes a class at a local art school and I absolutely, 100% love the exposure she gets to the craft as well as the exposure to the various art pieces in the building.

Sitting outside her class last week I ended up chatting with a couple adults about a painting in our children's classroom that depicted 2 adults about to engage in sex. I haven't seen the painting, but talked about it with Sophie and she nonchalantly said, "Oh yeah, I've seen stuff like that before. I think it was from another country." Hmmm, so to her, not a big deal. Again, I haven't seen the actual painting, but it has caused me to wonder:

How, as a parent (or if not a parent, just speculate), do you determine what is appropriate for your child to see? Are you the type that will absolutely not let them see a PG-13 film until they are actually 13 or are you more like me, you check why it's rated PG-13 and use your own criteria to determine if your child can see it before they are actually 13? Do you keep your child out of any art museum that has a nude sculpture? Why is nudity such a big deal anyway - it is how we all enter this world - ok, I like to think that I'm so nonchalant about it, but the reality is, I'm not...I didn't fall that far from my protestant upbringing and how will my views affect those of my child?

Just so ya know, I do plan on actually checking out the painting in question - I just didn't want the teacher to think I was a weirdo prudish parent....so I have to check it out as if I'm not checking it out...and preferably when nobody else is in the room in case I blush.
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Committing the Crime of Comfort Seeking

The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul. -Khalil Gibran

Was Gibran right?

*My sister read from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet at our wedding:

On Marriage
Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

When I Was a Kid...

Steve and I were discussing the school of choice option so many parents have today. It's a wonderful thing - sometimes.

When we moved to Michigan and found out Jackson offered this option, we looked into a few of the public schools in the city and in the county. We ended up choosing the school our daughter would've gone to if this option weren't given. Although the school fit our criteria in other ways, one thing we really liked is how close it is to our home and that there would be other kids in the neighborhood attending the same school (though given the school of choice option, we were not certain of this).

I grew up in a very small town in Wisconsin and you either went to the public school or the Catholic school and only to the latter if you were actually Catholic. There was not a lot of diversity in my classes, most kids were from working class families with similar religious beliefs, hobbies and educational levels. I think racial diversity did not exist at all except for the one Spanish speaking student I can remember and my own best friend whose mom was from Greece. I never heard my parents talk about test scores, activities, programs, diversity or anything beyond the 2 parent/teacher conferences they attended each year for my first 7 years of formal schooling.

When we moved to Pennsylvania as I entered the 7th grade my parents purposely bought a home in the "best" school district around. Since I was from small town Wisconsin, I did not fit in very well in my new digs and sadly, I never took advantage of the programs offered. (Again, not a lot of diversity...) My parents absolutely did what they thought was right, but back then "best" was defined only by test scores.

Nowadays we still have the neighborhood schools, but we also have charter schools, private schools, religious schools, homeschooling and co-ops. How do we decide which school to send our child to? Do we want to find a school that is the best fit for our child and in doing so, are we setting them up to be less able to adapt to various settings? Does choosing a school become more important as our child gets older and their interests are developed?
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Signs are Everywhere

We noticed a sign outside a store in Jackson today that read: If you need it, we may have it. This led us to discussing our other 2 favorite signs:

Also found in Jackson on a church marquee: Prayer is the ultimate internet.

No longer around, but once advertising for a go-kart place in Utah: If you ride them, you will have fun.
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Friday, September 17, 2010

Harmless Little Fantasy

Yesterday I was asked about my interest in a job based on the misconception that I speak multiple languages. It pained me to have to tell the person that not only am I not multi-lingual, I am barely proficient in one language and one language only.

I often fantasize about being able to tell people that I speak 8 languages (I think I came to the number 8, because of knowing a person who speaks 7 and I have to one up this person). I imagine the shock and awe on people's faces when they hear of my amazing abilities to converse in so many languages, and of course I so humbly tell them of it, not wanting to brag. The modesty on my part is a pivotal part of the fantasy.

The reality is I have no desire to spend the hours upon hours it would take to master another language, I just want to be able to say that I speak another language. It's like my desire to tell people I have a doctorate in Russian Literature (which of course would go with my ability to speak, read and write Russian) - I have no true interest in this subject, I just want the bragging rights.

Am I the only person that has these fantasies? Are there people out there who HAVE accomplished major feats and fantasize that they accomplished something else? The truth is, if you tell me what it is you fantasize being able to tell others I will inevitably try to one up you. If you tell me your fantasy is to tell people that you climbed Mt. Everest, then mine will become climbing Mt. Everest backwards...while conversing with everyone coming down the mountain...in their native language.
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Baby Needs a Blackberry

I am a complete hypocrite and admit it. One day I'm complaining that kids today are overscheduled and then we move to another state and I sign Sophie up for 2 classes to be taken after school. I justify my choice by saying it's because she does not get homework at her new school and it's a great way for her to meet new people.

My opinion on this topic vacillates and what I think is always based on my own circumstances. I love when Sophie takes classes because then I get to meet other parents, I get out of the house, I can read or go for a walk while she's in her class and it makes me feel like an involved parent (even though the classes she now takes are usually without the accompaniment of a parent). If Sophie isn't signed up for anything at the moment I then think we're such great parents because we let our child relax after school, we encourage her to be creative in finding her own modes of entertainment and she has time to play with friends.

Are kids today overscheduled? Is Sophie really benefiting from the classes? Do parents sign their kids up for so many activities because our world really is that different from when we were growing up?

And to end, a quote: “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” Friedrich Nietzsche
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Friday, September 10, 2010

She Said What?

I've been mulling over a personal situation and I hesitate to write about it, I do not want to make the situation worse, and yet, I'm hoping I can put something out there and get a bit of productive feedback.

In the past 18 months I've been accused of spreading rumors - hurtful rumors. Those who know me know I have a big mouth and I love chatting with a lot of people, so it wouldn't seem at all unlikely that I would be chatting about other people. The truth is that yes, I do sometimes say things I shouldn't or I don't speak up when I should. The other truth is that I do not purposely say things that are malicious (ok, Steve is the one person I do not censor myself with at all and that is because I trust him and know he takes everything I say with about a cup of salt).

What I've been mulling over is that in both scenarios I was accused instead of asked. This makes me think of the times I've heard that someone has said or done something and I take it as truth without checking with the person of whom it is being said. I know I've misjudged or too quickly judged others unfairly and the lesson I hope to take from this is to always check with the person who supposedly said or did whatever it was that is in question.

I also realize that there just isn't much I can do about people saying I said something or misinterpreting what I did say. I put myself out there and at first I contemplated just ceasing involvement with others to eliminate such situations, but I do not want to live in fear or not live because of fear. There will be times my sentiments will be misconstrued and times I will say something I shouldn't have - but hopefully those will pale in comparison to the times I can use my words to better a situation.

People talk about others, that's reality. I like to think that most people, even if they say unkind words about others are not really out to hurt anyone. They are expressing their opinion based on the filter they use to view life. It definitely can be hurtful to hear that someone has said something about you, but again, question the source and question the person who supposedly said it - unless the person just isn't someone you choose to have in your life, then let it roll.
Posted by Unknown at 7:34 AM 6 comments:
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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What's In a Name?

I admit, it is a bit of a pain to have to spell out my last name and to say, "hyphen" while doing so. Why did our family hyphenate? Both Steve and I like the last names we were given by our families and hyphenating was a way to keep our names and make sure our child had the same last name as both of her parents (instead of keeping our own names and then giving our daughter one of our last names).

If you're married...or not, what do you think? Why did you make the choice regarding a last name that you did? Are there stereotypes that you have of people with hyphenated last names?
Posted by Unknown at 4:19 AM 4 comments:
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Sunday, September 5, 2010

Card I Needed at This Time

I saw this card while at Whole Foods today. What do you think..true statement?
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Friday, September 3, 2010

A Challenge

I read this quote on a United Way Facebook status:

Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.-Dalai Lama


Here's the challenge - to live this quote and tell us how you developed yourself, expanded your heart to others, etc.
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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Change - The Only Constant

I do not handle change well. Every time we move or any major life event happens, I second guess my decision and walk around in a kind of melancholy cloud for quite a long time. I know this is not completely abnormal, but it does not make life pleasant.

We moved across the country two weeks ago and although I feel really fortunate that Steve has such a great job, we bought a beautiful home and all the people we've met in our new community are super nice, I wonder if we did the right thing. We loved our previous home, the town, our jobs, daughter's school and amazing friends.

What major life change, or even not so major, have you gone through that sparked second guesses? How did you handle it? Have you ever made a major decision and then backed out of it?
Posted by Unknown at 9:32 AM 3 comments:
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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Life's Grand Adventures

My dear friend, Brooke, sent this quote to me as hubby, daughter and I are a day away from embarking on a new journey in a new town. It is the perfect expression of what I need to remember:

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.

From her graduation commencement address to Berkeley."
— Anne Lamott

At what time have you ventured into something, not at all certain of its outcome and left behind what was certain, comfortable and good in the hopes of something life altering?
Posted by Unknown at 7:33 AM 2 comments:
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Friday, August 13, 2010

Customer Service Angst

At dinner tonight hubby and I were discussing the Jet Blue flight attendant who recently made headlines for his response to a difficult passenger. As I've read, the flight attendant got on the loudspeaker of a flight, said some choice words, grabbed 2 beers and exited the plane via the emergency chute.

Hubby and I chatted with our server a bit about dealing with difficult customers and I was impressed by his response. Our server stated that he represents the restaurant and doesn't express his frustration. He is there to make sure customers come back, but should a person, even if it is their job, be expected to take some of the abuse that is doled out to them? What is the appropriate response when you are there to provide customer service to someone who is treating you, you a person, poorly?

Also, I was dismayed to hear that this server often receives tips of only 10%. That is insulting.
Posted by Unknown at 8:54 PM 1 comment:
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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Marriage Styles

Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite authors, so here goes the first of what I'm sure will be many quotes of his: “People who love only once in their lives are. . . shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.” Oscar Wilde

I finished the book, Lost Boy, yesterday, about the author's experience growing up in a polygamous family on a compound in Utah. Unfortunately, he suffered severe abuse by the leader of the fundamentalist religion, as did other members of his family. Horrible.

However, it makes me wonder if polygamy can ever work. This question is also spawned by the recent discussions of allowing same-sex couples to legally marry, which some say will lead to the legalization of polygamous marriages in the U.S.

Regarding polygamy, the biggest problem with it seems to be the issue of underage girls being involved and whether or not choosing a polygamous lifestyle is really a choice. If those factors were not an issue, if the persons marrying were consenting with their full capacities and not having more children than can be provided for financially, emotionally and physically, I'd be fine with it.

However, our idea of plural marriage usually exists of one man with multiple wives. Plural marriage could be one woman with multiple husbands or same-sex couples (multiple men/women married to one another).

If I am open to marriages that differ from my own in the circumstance of same-sex marriage, shouldn't I be open to the possibility that a polygamous marriage could work as well?

*Again, I do not condone any marriage of any person who is forced or coerced into the relationship and not fully aware of the choice they are making - although, really, who knows EXACTLY what they are doing when they take the plunge?
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

New Blog - New School Year

I'm going to jump right in and get this blog going. Today's quote:

“If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.” Ignacio Estrada

As the new school year approaches I'm thinking about education, teachers, students and of course my own child who will soon be entering 5th grade.

We are in the process of moving from Utah to Michigan (hence the new blog as my previous one was based on my observations of life in "The Beehive State"). When we arrive in Michigan, our daughter will have the opportunity to visit a few schools and as a family, we will decide which school seems like the best fit for her - emphasis on those last two words.

I do not expect a teacher to teach a lesson 30 different ways, but I do expect a teacher to be willing to adjust their expectations based on their students' abilities. I expect teachers to have the freedom to teach in a way that demonstrates their gifts and personal style, while realizing that not all students will respond positively to their methods.

I hope teachers and parents will weigh in. What do you value in your current school (teachers) or your child's current school? What is your biggest frustration in education?
Posted by Unknown at 10:25 AM 6 comments:
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